Archive for December, 2011

Spent the day resting up for my 8pm-4am shift during the hotel’s new year’s eve party, but managed to work in another trip to the hospital to take my glucose-tolerance test. They made me drink a sugary sweet orange drink that tasted like Tang that had been sitting out evaporating for a week, sit around for an hour, and then stole some more of my our blood. Interested to see what that test will show.

So now I’m here, at work, watching others “enjoy” the effects of the various substances on my no-fly list. I am surprisingly at peace with this. I was just talking to my coworker about the fact that I have basically resigned from my old life already, and am really just existing and absorbing the world while this baby cooks. My life has become: eating, sleeping and working as much as I can, interspersed with daydreams about what my our new life will look like.

I’ve been absorbing a crap ton of media: film, books, audio books, art, music… and my tastes are shifting in interesting ways. The things I used to watch/listen to are not in as heavy rotation, but things I enjoyed when I was a child/teenager are oddly comforting. I’m seeking out a lot of new authors and artists as well, creating a new tone for a new life… can’t get enough of Native American music right now, and tortured love stories. Mmmmm.

They’re playing Basement Jaxx out in the lobby and my whole life seems to have shriveled up into a tiny blip, like the paper lining of a straw. How did I fit so much into what my brain now considers the “past,” and yet still have so much ahead? Suddenly, it seems to have gone by in an instant. All the mistakes and successes seem to have their purpose… and yet, I am still terrified of the unknown. Terrified, yet determined and eager… eager to share this new chapter with the people who have earned a dear place in my heart and life. Eager to see what my uterus has come up with. Eager to prove something to myself. Eager to keep moving forward.

2012 will be the year that my independence ends and my hugest lessons begin. I’m glad I have so many amazing people on this ride with me, I love all of you and hope this year brings positive transformation to all y’all errybody. ❤


Read Full Post »

So, I checked and I’m still pregnant. It is the longest hangover I have ever had and no amount of bad movies or orange juice can seem to cure it. I feel bad for the people who call and want updates…

“How are you? How’re you feelin’? How’s it been going?”

“Well, I’m still sick all the time, still pregnant, still trying to keep food down and failing a good portion of the time. Then maybe I’ll watch a movie about Native Americans or forbidden love or Daniel Day Lewis’s boner and I feel tortured yet somewhat sated and I fall asleep dreaming of a time when I’m no longer housing a parasite and I can drink again.”

I’ve been listening to Patti Smith, Dengue Fever, Neko Case, Danger Mouse, Cee-Lo and Dogs Die in Hot Cars. Everyone I know is showing me photos of some cute baby perhaps expecting me to apex my pregnancy cute-o-meter and actually explode, but it hasn’t happened yet. Every time I see a cute baby I just think, “my baby will be cuter than that.”

Conny (my youngest sister) is scared that I will have an ugly baby because she already thinks a good portion of babies are weird looking.

“You just hate babies,” I told her.

“No, that’s not true, I actually like a lot of babies. I’m just not gonna lie to people who have terrible-looking children”

I can’t wait til I almost kill myself giving birth, gaze upon my child for the first time, and Conny comes up to me, looks at the baby then looks at me with unmistakable disappointment and says, “Sorry, you got an ugly one.”

Who am I kidding? I’ll more than likely have to shield the world from the blinding beauty of my child. Kate Moss will weep openly in the press and Posh Spice will invest millions of dollars in junior plastic surgery. Listen world, let’s not overreact. Sure, my child will be redefining international and even trans-galactic standards of beauty, but it’s nothing to get your panties in a bunch about. Maybe now we can focus on INTELLECTUAL GROOMING for a change. My baby did all you shallow assholes a favor. Most ambitious unborn humanitarian / social activist ever.

What else? My boner for stoic looking Native American men is firmer than ever and I still can’t get enough Daniel Day Lewis (even after discovering how fucking embarrassing his involvement in the movie “Nine” was.) I forgive you, Daniel Day and will let you make it up to me… (I was going to make a reference to drinking up a milkshake but I’m a mother now and that’s beneath me.)

That’s all, at least I still have my sense of humor, right? Or I’d be a miserable heap of vomit and angst and I’d probably never get laid again. We all know that’s not the way this story ends, fair readers, stay tuned!

Julia made this for me, she is the best.

Read Full Post »

8 Weeks of Bitching

I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I can’t believe I have to do this for another 7 months. Even though I was prescribed Zofran to help manage my nausea, I still throw up every day and everything is disgusting. Smells, food, people… my intolerance is through the roof because I am chronically uncomfortable. I just want to be in Seattle and be around people who make me feel comfortable. I don’t want to deal with the isolation of existing in San Francisco just to save up money and take advantage of my healthcare. I do LOVE LOVE LOVE my job, but being pregnant is like being in another dimension, I have never more necessitated the amenities of home than I do in this state right now.

I miss all my friends, I miss their wisdom and their company. Every day I think about just packing up and leaving. To do so would mean sacrificing my 12+ weeks of paid maternity leave though, I just can’t imagine doing that… but I am planning to catch the first flight up to Seattle once I have baby and have a place to stay. Pretty sure I can receive my maternity leave pay and be in another state. I just need some fucking comfort and support… I am exhausted.

At the same time I feel horrible for complaining. I wish this were a time I could enjoy more, but my discomfort consumes me. Having 4 roommates who don’t understand pregnant women or why anyone would WANT to get pregnant, or issues with which to be sensitive when living with a pregnant person, is maddening at times. The house smells of stinking cooking so much sometimes I can’t leave my room, my roommate and her “house guests” smoke pot all the time (the smell is like poison to me right now) and PEOPLE KEEP TAKING MY FOOD. I’m fucking PREGNANT, who are you, the antichrist? Who takes food from a pregnant lady? I can only eat like 5 things and I buy them specifically because at that moment they aren’t making me nauseous, so I need to eat them THEN, not when you happen to remember to maybe replace what you took. Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth saving the $$$ to stay here another few months before I get my new place. I wonder if I would be happier alone, at least knowing my things were not going to disappear.

My dad sent me a Christmas present to this address which I have not received. I don’t know if someone else intercepted it and put it somewhere without telling me or if it has just gotten lost in the shuffle, but it’s hard not to be bitter about that too, because I just hate so many hands meddling in all the things I’m so dependent on right now. I JUST WANT TO LIVE WITH OTHER PEOPLE WHO KNOW ABOUT PREGNANCY OR HAVE BEEN PREGNANT. I’ve had enough of this bullshit, I am a desperate woman with a parasite draining me for all I’m worth. Give me a goddamn break already.

Read Full Post »

Yesterday was the best day in my pregnancy yet, for a few reasons. Number one, because I had my first prenatal appointment at Kaiser Medical and met my OBGYN, Judy Adler, for the very first time. We could not have been better matched, she is a total card, hilarious and gives me shit about everything. We joked back and forth for a good half hour and then she gave me my first 7 week ultrasound. Magically, once this lubed showerhead-lookin’ thing was inserted inside me, this black cavern and tiny little bean blipped onto the screen and she said, “there’s your baby.”

“NO… WAY,” was my first response. It was much more of a jolt into reality than I expected. It’s not like I don’t know I’m pregnant, but to see my project in-the-works, with its little flicker of a heartbeat blipping along, makes me feel like I am some kind of mad scientist sex genius. Mwahaha! I made this (with just a splash of help.) I’ve done pretty much all the work using involuntary biological processes I don’t EVEN HAVE TO THINK ABOUT and made a strapping, healthy young bean. Yeah, I do this, no big deal, this is just something I do now.

So Judy and I exploited the ultrasound’s printing function for awhile, so that all my close family and friends can line the interior of their houses with their own stack of little bean headshots (maybe I’ll sign it.) Then she had her assistant bring Aaron in so he could see.

“LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!!!!” she said to Aaron as she turned the ultrasound screen to him.

She printed him a hefty stack of his own so he can maybe convince his brain he’s a dad now.

She also gave me a prescription for anti-nausea drugs which I ran up to the pharmacy to fill right away, went to a water fountain and swallowed eagerly. They took about an hour to work, but I felt like the pharmacist had filled a prescription on my life and sanity back. No longer miserable every single second of every day, I am now only miserable when I don’t eat for couple hours, otherwise, on the whole, I feel much, much better.

While talking to Judy and to Aaron about our plans for delivery, the idea struck me as it has a few times now, that spending $4500 on midwives may be an overlap in costs we cannot afford. Kaiser has medical offices all over the Bay Area and Judy informed me that they Walnut Creek offices offer midwife care.

I scheduled a maternity tour of the Walnut Creek Kaiser for this Thursday so I can see what is offered there and if it’s worth driving all the way out there to save us the $$$ and gain the comfort and security of having a more natural delivery.

I will keep you guys posted! The baby is craving dim sum and almond milk (thanks to Judy I can actually EAT NORMALLY again) so I have to scarf and run to work. More soon! Oh yeah, and here’s the bean. ❤

Ashley Jr. ( .5

Ashley Junior at 7 weeks strong!

Read Full Post »

Awake at 6am again, trying to beat the nausea before it starts, but not quite successful. Ate some cheddar crackers with grape juice but don’t really feel any better. Yesterday I hunched over the toilet and coughed up jolly rancher juices for like 5 minutes. I don’t know what you want from me, body, I’m doing the best I can here. The more upset you are the harder it is for me to eat healthy things. Seems like the only things you’ll tolerate are bland and nutritiously hollow.

I just toss and turn in my bed at night. Laying in bed feels SO GOOD but trying to go to sleep is totally uncomfortable. I used to take melatonin when I had trouble sleeping, but the internet says that’s a bad idea when pregnant, since it is a hormone.

I did have a cinnamon donut yesterday that was a real treat. Mild, soft and sweet, it seemed to settle my stomach right away, but I’m scared to O.D. on them like I have a lot of my other go-to foods. Ginger now nauseates me, as does milk and oatmeal with berries, and I only ate those things for a couple days. Ergh! I can’t win.

I hate complaining all the time, I just wish I felt well enough to be more optimistic and in a good mood like I usually am. I’m not used to feeling sick, especially for weeks at a time, I’m usually feel decent enough to do anything I need to. This is hard.

I just wish I could sleep through this part, the barfy, yucky, cranky part and get to the knowing-the-gender, feeling-the-baby-move, big-belly part…

Fuck  you, stomach.

Read Full Post »

Nausea Management

There isn’t much to write when you’re just nauseated all the time. I wake up, I’m nauseous, I eat something, feel alright for maybe 15 minutes or so, nauseous again. Really it just becomes a game of, how long can I keep the nausea at bay? Because, as you may know from terrible hangovers and stomach flus past, anything you come into repeated contact with while you’re nauseous eventually becomes associated with the feeling of nauseousness, so the management is a tricky balance of rotating quick fixes so that they don’t become tainted.

Some things I have found that work to make me less queasy are:

Jolly Ranchers (tip from the lovely Jennifer Zwick, green apple and watermelon work the best for me, but it’s nice to get a bag of a variety of flavors to keep it interesting)

Chicken and wild rice soup (both the mild / salty chicken broth and the rice / carrots soothe my stomach, and it’s easy to get a can of the Wolfgang Puck soup and throw in some other mild frozen vegetables like peas, corn, green beans, spinach, etc, so that the soup is different every time.)

Cheddar goldfish / Annie’s organic cheddar bunny crackers (these are great to eat a couple of right before a meal if your stomach is agitated in waiting, or to pile onto any soup. Super easy on the stomach and portable!)

Amy’s organic chunky tomato soup (tastes just like fresh vine-ripened organic tomatoes, a heavenly vehicle for the cheddar crackers)

Ginger (was working for a couple days but then got associated with the nausea so I’m having to stay away from it for a bit)

Making your own sodas with a bottle of sparkling mineral water (the carbonation helps to settle your stomach. mix it with juice or squeeze fresh fruit into it, pressing ginger into it makes a wonderfully mild unsweetened gingerale, just don’t forget lemon to add the tartness)

Potatoes – pretty much anything made from/with potatoes is easy and soothing on the stomach: potato chips, tater tots, french fries, hasbrowns, mashed potatoes, latkes, baked potatoes… the sour cream, butter and onion go pretty well too, depending on how queasy you are.

Newest discovery – Tofutti Cuties – the vanilla ones are so mild, cool and creamy, they’re very soothing and also feel like you’re treating yourself. I wish I could find the berry ones, they sound SO good right now.

Other than that, all I can do is nap and take walks outside. Fresh, natural air, somewhat free of the myriad city odors, is an invaluable asset when anything and everything you smell makes you want to ralph. Somehow nature just smells right, maybe I should have my baby in the woods and hire some raccoon doulas or something. No clean up, cheap, organic… eh, whatever. I’m gonna go try not to barf now; Arrested Development helps!

Read Full Post »

Add naseum

Man, I thought I had beaten morning sickness, but now every time I’m hungry or I take a nap, I feel queasy and very uncomfortable. It’s strange to know you need to eat when you feel like throwing up. What are you DOING to me, baby? Where is your LOGICAL MIND?!

I am making a lot of lists now, like children’s shows I think are important to play for the kid once it gets here… shows I love/d or that I feel helped shape me in some way.

The Adventures of Pete & Pete

Ren & Stimpy


Rocko’s Modern Life


She-Ra (these will be harder if I have a boy but not if he has TASTE)

Mr. Rogers

I don’t want my kid to be crippled by only having vintage media references, but some of these are simply essential and not-to-be missed. I’ll throw some modern shows in there too…

Yo Gabba Gabba!


Adventure Time

…any other suggestions for kid entertainment essentials? Write them here while I go throw up.

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »