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Archive for February, 2012

14 weeks

I sneeze so much more now that I’m pregnant, and it’s not a cold sneeze it’s a “keep anything and everything out of these sinuses, we’ve got a baby in here” type sneeze. I feel like my body has made its own No Entry Policy and that’s (mostly) OK with me. I’m congested and my nose often feels itchy and on the brink of a sneeze. It starts to get really annoying when I can’t stop sneezing and there’s seemingly no reason for it at all… but hey, we’re both still alive, so I trust the process.

Each week that goes by reduces the amount of morning sickness, which is already pretty low, but pretty unpredictable. It comes in random waves, sometimes in the morning, but usually at night, and I just sit and hope it goes away and it usually does within an hour or so.

I guess week 14 is pretty unexciting because I feel alright, really fat & bloated, but alright most of the time. I’ve been able to eat a lot more, since I’m not feeling as sick, so I’m gaining more weight, but I’m also enjoying pregnancy a lot more. My aunt’s advice was to “be as ethnic as possible” by eating as many exotic foods, tastes & spices I can, so baby has a well-rounded pallette when it pops out. Ethiopian food tastes SO GOOD to me right now, so does Mexican food… and I’m really on the fence about eating sushi but it sure does sound appealing too.

I finally got my LULLABELLY baby boom box belt thing, so I can blast jams for the Bean and me at the same time. So far I’ve just been playing Pandora on my iPhone, the Stevie Wonder station and The Beatles station… thinking about playing some Bowie, Talking Heads, Queen, Rolling Stones, Neil Diamond, and whatever else people suggest EXCEPT FRANK ZAPPA (my child is not Zappa-approved until his 10th birthday!)

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13 Weeks

I go back and forth from actually thinking I am pregnant (very brief “aha” moments) to wondering how long I can keep up this elaborate prank I have been playing on everyone I know. “I don’t FEEL much going on in there.” “Shouldn’t it be slithering around, or trying to burst through my chest or something?” “This is a brilliant excuse for being fat though, maybe I should keep it up.”

Even though I look at photos of other moms at 13 weeks and see that (with the first pregnancy) there isn’t much of a belly to show yet, I still feel like I should be bigger. My cousin Alexis is around 6 months and she has hit her stride in terms of belly-growth. I saw her a month ago and it was Solsbury Hill, saw her a week ago and it was Mt. Rainier… I know I am entering the “rapid-belly-growth-you-wish-you-never-wished-for-stretch-mark-a-pa-looza” phase, but nothing is ever happening fast enough for me, is it?

I was talking to my mom about it and she was like, “your body is smart, it gives you 9 months to get your shit together and come to terms with being a mom,” and I do get that, and think it is accurate and quite generous, thank you oh wise body… but it also seems like they overdid it, and gave us enough time to freak out about the unknown instead of just canon-balling us into the cold water, we’re slowly introducing our limbs and it seems a bit like nature’s torture. If nature were in the BDSM scene I’m pretty sure I’d know its story.

In other news, my trip to Seattle was offensively short yet everything I hoped it would be. Even flying over the city and looking down gave me this immense swell of hope. “Look at this fucking beautiful land I have to offer my child. I get to drag them around and show them how unique and amazing Seattle is, and they will have to come! Because they can’t escape me for a good year or two! I’ll get to do all the gay sentimental things my mom and I used to do together when we were just a duo and everything seemed acutely meaningful and full of promise.” Every friend I saw reassured me that I have amazing people in my life that are going to be be amazing influences on my child and that the direction I have been veering this way and that on for a good 29 years now, was exactly the right path for me. Everything felt right and nobody annoyed me by touching my belly because they were all people whose hands I trusted… people I want around through it all. All of these people have passed myriad testing and make me feel infinitely secure in the most infinitely insecure of places to be as a woman.

Seattle has everything the Bean and I need and it is amazing to feel that radiating out of a place and a people. Not too stoked you have to pay for street parking until 8pm now (thanks for the $44 ticket, SPD!) but we will make it work. I got to visit Jenny Zwick, finally, another mom who has been giving me guidance and hope for the rewards of motherhood. It was a very nice dream sequence to be in her house and see her pregnant neighbor come borrow the car and silently say, “See? We all work together and everything is less of a pain in the ass and sure it’s still hard but it is AWESOME when we have each other to lean on.” And everything just felt right.

I suppose I am feeling more confident today, still craving gazpacho and happy for a healthy craving. Sharing my spicy pickled green beans with coworkers who understand that they are going to be more sour and spicy than a non-pregnant-lady’s pickled green beans, and who eat them anyway… and life is good. I am still waiting to see some proof that things are what people say they are, or proof that things are the way I imagine they are, or maybe proof that everything is bullshit and nothing will be anything like I expect it to be… proof that we are alive, together, and working it out, minute to minute, is proof enough for me. ❤

 

Oh also, this is a fantastic article that my performance artist friend, Queen Shmooquan, wrote about the struggles artists-turned-mothers have in the first couple years of motherhood. The breastfeeding and sleep deprivation can be extremely draining when they begin to limit your creative output and push you into a mother/artist identity crisis. It is very well written and she is a fantastic mother and creative force, I was very happy to hear her give a voice to the exhausted mothers everywhere, too busy caring for others to care for themselves most days: http://yesyesnow.com/2012/02/01/my-weiner-balls-wait-patiently-in-the-shadows/

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