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Archive for May, 2012

I haven’t been writing many blog entries because all I want to do is complain lately and nobody wants to read my whiny bullshit. These last 29 weeks have been some of the least comfortable weeks of my life and all I seem to hear from people is “OH JUST WAIT!” Like I should be thankful for how uncomfortable I am now because I can look forward to being even more uncomfortable in the weeks to come. I HATE THIS ILLOGICAL UNEMPATHETIC NON-CONSOLATORY BULLCRAP! If you don’t care that I’m suffering then keep it to yourself, don’t tell me it’s going to get worse! That’s the fucking last thing I need to hear. Who the hell do you think you’re helping by adding more fear and stress to an already panicking, anxious, hormonal disaster of a woman? Seriously, get off it.

I have very little patience for people who have not been pregnant giving me advice on my pregnancy… but even WORSE are the women who HAVE been pregnant telling me how AWFUL being pregnant was/is/is going to be. HI, HELLO, I ALREADY KNOW, I’VE BEEN LIVING IT THE LAST 7 MONTHS. Do people not understand the concept of support? That when someone is bitching about how fucking intolerable pregnancy is all they want is a little bit of optimism, understanding and encouragement? It’s not like I can tap-out of this condition prematurely, I’m fucking stuck here until nature dictates otherwise. The only thing I can hope for is a little bit of support and warmth from those that are rooting for me.

It doesn’t help that I’m hundreds and hundreds of miles away from the people I draw the most support from. All of my family and closest friends can only do so much when we’re separated by telephone wires and state lines. I’ve never felt more isolated or helpless being stuck in San Francisco until Charlie is born. When you’re physically uncomfortable, while being far from home, every even remotely stressful thing seems like a monumentally stressful thing and I just can’t seem to cope with things that may not have bothered me 7 months ago.

I know there may not be any “solution” to feeling this agitated, other than all the hippie conceptual bullshit like yoga, deep breaths and making sure I exercise/rest a lot. I try to rest all the time but I never wake up feeling any more refreshed or full of energy than I did before I slept. I wake up feeling sore, tense, agitated and ready to go back to sleep again and it is SO FRUSTRATING.

Maybe the only cure is waiting… developing little coping tools just to get you through to the next day so that I’m just closer and closer to giving birth and starting to heal and regain the strength and use of my own body. I don’t need people telling me there will be a million new struggles to replace these old ones, I am quite aware. I don’t expect things to get “easier” per se, but I am ready to move on to the next step… I am frustrated by not being able to nest and build us a home while I’m down here, anticipating a huge impending move back home to Seattle. In the situation I’m in now, I am unable to feel like I’m making progress, like I have support, like I’m not flailing around directionless, alone. I feel like I’m fighting a war all by myself which makes everything more frightening and sometimes causes me to lose sight of all the impending joy.

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